my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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