I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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