accomplished twins. life is a go
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
