did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
