Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
