i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
