They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
