Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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