As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
