I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
