I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
