I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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