True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just pee around me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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