Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
