i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
