You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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