Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
