Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
