Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
