Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
