ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
