I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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