meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
