the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
