At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
