We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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