Cold hands, warm shart.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Michael Bay diarrhea
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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