But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
