I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
