my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
