but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
