apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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