Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
