You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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