I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
