I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So many bounce houses so little time
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
