after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
