how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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