Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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