about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
