life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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