I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize