My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
