I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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