i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
