Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Vodka?
Forever.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
