You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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