I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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