I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
