he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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