Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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