yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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