so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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