I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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