His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
