The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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