if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
