remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
